October 6, 1927
“Only because of a kind fate which guards the lives of children at play was Virginia Mae Pike, two and one-half years of age, alive today…” …or so reads the lead from this story. Oh sure, that’s got to be it, it’s all thanks to some rather specialized application of Fortuna Primegenia.
Seems Mr. and Mrs. George Pike tented their home at 365 West Truslow Avenue, into which fumigators pumped pure cyanide gas. According to the medical experts, two breaths of the lethal fumes would kill a grown man, and here Virginia Mae stood erect in the stuff for two minutes. There she was, inside the tent, still upright but unconscious, when they pulled her out, gave her some mouth to mouth, and off she went.
There are only four possible explanations:
a) you cannot kill what is already dead; therefore, she is a zombie. She will eventually chomp on her parents, who will in turn infect others—this should probably be dealt with. Unfortunately for the Pikes, decapitation remains the best proven method for dealing with a zombie.
b) she is wampyear. Or vompyure. Or however one spells “vampire” to make it phonetically accurate. This should also be dealt with. Again, traditional methods apply.
c) she is a suprahuman. Virginia Mae should be spirited away to a secret military base to breed an army of bioresistant super-soldiers, of course.
d) the Pikes hired crummy fumigators.
At least these are more probable explanations than the kindly consort of some damn Moiraes, #4 certainly so should you shave down the argument with Occam’s razor.
But don’t say we didn’t warn you.