Together As One

July 7, 1927
James Clark has but one leg.  Fortunately his wife has another.  Together, they make one fine two-legged person.  Unfortunately, their capacity for imbibery allows for the drunkitude of four persons, their double vision providing the visual acuity of eight.

Seems the Clarks got a few in ‘em and, sans hollow leg and all, the booze went to their collective head, and they thought it a good idea to hop in a flivver and go tearing down Mission Boulevard here in Riverside.  Despite the symbiosis that stems from years of wedded camaraderie, his stomping the gas while she pounded brake and clutch didn’t work out to their combined advantage…no, these tourists from the Lone Star state plowed into another vehicle driven by one Fred Stutzman of West Riverside.

Deputy Sheriff Scott hauled the intoxicated unipeds off to the hoosegow, and reported that while both autos were severely damaged, no-one was seriously injured.  Scott certainly realized that had someone involved lost a limb, he would have had to fill out the separate irony paperwork, instead of just checking the irony box on his standard report form.

News N’ Notes

May 13, 1907
Los AngelesCheck the barometer: rising suicide, murder and drunkenness let us know there’s a good chance of 1907 to-day.Lena Rossester lived in a bungalow at 604 Vitmer with a younger man–some would say her son, but the gentleman won’t give his name and begs that Lena’s recent fatal carbolic cocktail be suppressed by the press (no such doing here!); D. Orlackey made a move to murder his family at 1021 E. 54th, but his wily wife locked him in the closet until authorities could arrive; and Thomas Dunn, of no fixed address, made a bed of the Hollywood Electric tracks until rudely awakened by the fender of a trolley that took a good chunk out of his head (he’ll be fine–nothing a visit to the oft-mentioned Receiving Hospital can’t fix).

Ah, the touchstones of our time.